7 Questions to Ask When You’re Feeling Jealous

questions to ask when you're feeling jealous kelsey horton

“People want you to be happy.
Don’t keep serving them your pain!

If you could untie your wings
and free your soul of jealousy,

you and everyone around you
would fly up like doves.”

— Rumi 


Sometimes I get jealous of other people. Other writers. Other coaches. Other humans, both online and in person.

I have moments of fumbling, of frustration, of feeling like I’m just bobbing along writing the same surface-level things as everyone else.⁣ I have moments of wondering whether other people had a magic spark of creativity bestowed on them when they arrived to planet Earth, and that I was accidentally left out.

I know that’s not true. But jealousy is an emotion that knocks on our door sometimes, and rather than rationalizing that emotion away in an attempt to be “good” or “nice” or “spiritual,” we can answer and understand those lessons that our emotions bring.⁣

And while it may sound light and fluffy and spiritual to say things like “I don’t get jealous, I’m happy for everyone…” the truth is that jealousy is a genuine human emotion. All of us have felt it at one point or another. 

When you deny yourself the experience of jealousy by trying to stuff it down with pseudo-love-and-light, you deny yourself the insights and evolution that it can bring.

Let’s explore our jealousy instead. Gratitude, open-heartedness, connection, and a deeper sense of self-appreciation all live on the other side of embracing 

Let’s talk openly about our envy. Let’s let our jealousy rock us, nurture us, and expand us. Let’s hear our jealousy as it shuffles around on our doorstep, nervous, reciting its elevator speech. Lets open the door when we hear its light knock. Let’s welcome jealousy in for tea.


Here are seven questions to ask yourself the next time you feel that tinge of envy:


1. First, look in the mirror and say this statement to yourself:

“I’m a human experiencing jealousy. It’s the most normal thing ever, and deeply okay. Welcome to humanity, beautiful one.⁣”


⁣2. What am I specifically jealous of?

Our jealousy is never really about the other person — we’re jealous of something deeper. We envy a quality they embody or an outcome they have achieved.

Dig deeper to identify the precise qualities you’re jealous of, like “I’m jealous that she published a book before I did,” or “I’m jealous that he has that it-factor that lights up a room, and when I’m around him I feel boring and blah.”

In my case, it was “I’m jealous that she is so much better at writing and speaking than I am.”


3. What deeper desire is being illuminated?

Our jealousy is a flashing neon sign to what we really want. 
Now that you know what you’re really jealous of (from the previous question), reflect on that in detail.

Do you want to write a book? To feel comfortable in your own body? To have a marriage that feels just as loving as your friend’s marriage? To shine in public? Get really dreamy and excited about what these things might look like in your life.

Resist the urge to be too specific with this question. If you’re jealous of someone for winning a writing contest, your deeper desire is bigger than winning that same writing contest. You probably have a desire for your own writing to be more seen, celebrated, or talented.


4. In what ways do I already have those desires? What am I overlooking? 

Even if you don’t have exactly what you’re jealous of… you are probably overlooking some things that you do have.

A lot of people already like you. A lot of people already celebrate you and think you’re talented, even if it’s on a smaller scale. You have your own style of beauty. You have your own unique raw energy. You have love in your life. Start there.


5. How can I give myself more of these desires now?

It’s time to consistently build yourself up and remind yourself of how amazing you are in the areas you identified above.

If you want more love — give yourself more love. If you want people to tell you that your creative work is incredible — tell yourself your creative work is incredible.⁣ Become your biggest fan.Wrap yourself in a bubble of healing support.

Make sure your answers to this question involve things you can do and are completely independent of other people’s actions. 


6. Now that I know all of this, what change can I make in my life to draw me closer to my desires?

Review your answers to the above and decide on an action you can take to move closer to this deeper latent desire.

Do you need to have a conversation with someone? Change a habit? Update your wardrobe? Download a self-care app? Take that scary action that you’ve been avoiding?

By pairing all of this reflection with solid action, you will transform your jealousy into a positive tangible change in your life.


7. Finish with this prayer to release your jealousy:

Thank you, jealousy + subject of my jealousy, for revealing this divine lesson to me. I’m deeply grateful for the lesson and the opportunity to come back home to myself. I release you now.⁣


How do you handle jealousy? What are your favorite ways to process the emotion and turn it into something beautiful? Share your wisdom in the comments section!

Peace + Genuinely Being Happy For Others,

Kelsey

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